About 4 years ago, I went to

The cinema, after a 3 day binge of booze, fags, mushrooms and hashcakes and went to see the biggest pile of shit, Talented Mr Ripley, and anyway; I hate the way when you buy nachos and the just stick about 3 limp jalapenos on your tray. So I lay'd into this spotty oik serving up the snacks and said that I demand as many Jalepenos as he could spare. I mean I really laid into him. Took the opiss. Anyway, when he turned around clutching the tray, I shit you not, there were more peppers than nachos. There was about 4 jars worth. So I had to eat them. You know pride and that. Anyway, having got through the peppers I wasnt really hungry so ditched the tray. All was fine until I got home, alone as I live, Late at night and went for a po.
HOLY CRAP. I shat SO much blood that I nearly fainted. I mean liquid. Blood. No stool at all. I thought I was going to die to I grabbed a towel and drove to casualty. They looked at my ring laughed and gave me a course of pills.

I still have roids to this day.

Shitting in the woods

I was out in some woods near Kinver (Wolverhampton) camping when I had to go for a shit.
It was pouring down with rain but the turtle was seriously starting to pop his little head out so I ventured forth into the rain to find a likely spot...
After a short while of searching the best I could find was a small tree on the side of a wooded hill so I dropped my pants, grabbed hold of said tree and leant back to do the business.
When I'd just about finished, the tree decided to uproot sending me flailing backwards.
Only my quick reactions prevented me from falling into my own turds as I put my hands out behind on either side of me, and straight into some nettles...
So there I was, in pain, naked from the waist down, getting rained on and at a head downward 45 degree angle on this hill perched above a steaming pile of turds.
I did manage to escape that sticky situation by rolling off sideways (into more nettles) eventually though.
A learning experience for sure.

Staying at a guest house in Bournemouth

I did a terrifically beery shit when we got back from a club. I flushed, but It was still stuck to the sides of the bog and was a sight to behold. I thought it would be amusing to show my mate, but it was three in the morning. Anyhoo, I went and knocked on his door, and he opened it bleary eyed. It was then that I found out I was so drunk I couldn't actually speak properly and he didn't understand what I wanted him to do by my gestures, so he shut the door in my face.
That's when I noticed that my door had shut and locked and I was in just my pants on a landing in a guest house in bournemouth.
No problem, tho, I went to another mate staying in another room and knocked on his door. Half asleep he said "Come in", so I did and slept on his floor. Thing is, he'd forgotten that he'd pulled that night, so I got the sight of some decent breasts that night too. In the morning I made him go down and get a spare key for my room.